Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
