you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
