You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
