Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
