I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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