i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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