The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
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Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
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Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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