watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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