You smell like a Billy Joel song
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
