You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
