just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
