Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize