I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
