Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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