bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
