My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
