Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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