He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
