sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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