remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Randomize
