I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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