I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Randomize
