I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
