Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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