walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
