My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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