I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
