Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The Olympian is in my bed
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
