idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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