I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
