If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
