Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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