shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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