The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
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