I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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