I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
