Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
