pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
