plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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