Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
