I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
