The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
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Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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