mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize