Michael Bay diarrhea
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
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