I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I need to calm my uterus...
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
