just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
