They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
foreskin is a definite game changer
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
