"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
