gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
