i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
