I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
