I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
