I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
