he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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