no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I want to be your penis for a week.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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