My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
