I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
