what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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